Squall X Rinoa 4 Ever!
Sunday, February 01, 2009
In August 2003, if I am not wrong, I get to know this guy from online. At first, he kind of annoys me but soon, just few months after I knew him, he began to grow on me. I still remember our conversation, jokes that we share.
Lets call him H
In a way, you can say, I really like H at that point of time. I was only 14 and so was him. We studies at different schools. hes at top notch while mine just...well..normal.
And then, just as qucikly he came into my virtual life, he dissppear. That's when I realise that I was well inlove with H. Haha, sound so corny now.
At the same time, well, there is this another guy who treats me well but I never really like him in that way but as soon as H disappear, I dunno why but I ended up liking him simply because he resemble in terms of characters like H. But it is not totally replacement or what they like to call, I still like this guy for what he is as well. People who went to the same secondary school as me would know who he is la, lol. Dun worry, right now I like him nothing more than friends.
I like all my friends anyway..lol
Ok, off topic..ok..what next.
H appears, again, when I was in sec 4, nearly a year after he disappear. Claming his com spoil, oh well, he might be speaking the truth but who knows right?
But anyway, I thought I was totally over him. So as usual, we chat like old friends blah.
I still remember how he tutor me in Maths while I was studying in O-level.
Quite concidencetally, the topic he revise with me came up mostly and perhaps because of that I manage to pass, I guess
After we get the results, he goes to a good JC and I to TP.
All this while, I am locking away whatever leftover feelings I had for H inside, telling myself that it was a crush years ago.
But how can I explain to myself that I dress up nicely just to meet him, even it last less than 5 mins?
How can I explain that I was happy and high all the time when I manage to see him?
I was suppose to be over him right?
I am lying to myself all the time. I even had a 'boyfriend' which lasted less than a month, thinking that that I may get over him. When he asked me, I just accepted because of that, and also I was rather shock that someone can like someone like me.
I know it was very selfish, till now, I still feel guitly for what I did despite that fact that the ex did do something to irk me, but that was a different story. I was partly my fault as well anyway.
At the same time, H and I rarely talk though. I guess we are bz with our own things.
I remember in year 2007, I kind of have this huge crush on this guy. Totally. For like half a year but dimmed down when we actually start to talk less.
That year, was my first and last present to H, I even tried to stitich something(which fail) to him. I even joke I would stitich his face when he turn 21.
I dunno but his sudden appearance, yes, he do disappear again for quite sometime, he unlock whatever I lock and I knew, that point of time, for the past 4 years, I never really gotten over him.
At the point of time, I was so close in revealing what I feel, I dunno if he had guess but ever since last year, just before he got his A-level results and after he got into NS. He just stopped talking to me.
Just stopped. I dunno if it is really concidence that all the time I tried to talk to him online he was busy. I always said hi but he never reply. He never blocked me, even now, but never talk.
I attempted, I tried but in the end, I gave up.
It was a stupid crush that gotten big this time round, I told myself.
But I cant help but feel jealous when I realise he still taking to a girl we knew online. She is taking her O-level this year. I feel that, in way, she is more closer to him that I was ever with him back then.
So, if I was over, why I feel jealous. And why I cry when I realised that?
I find it stupid, he was just a online friend that I only met twice but yet he created so much impact on me, I find myself stupid.
And I find it stupider to cry over this one-sided love that I have been habouring for like almost 6 years now. I find myself to be a stupid girl after all. Crying over a virtual guy.
After everything, I realised that I was indeed falling deep inside. And it was a heartbreak even though it was just me and my stupid thinking. He is just happy with his own life I guess.
Now, I realised everything, I finally let go. It feel goods and now even though it still hurts even thinking about it, I know given time, I can truely forget about this.
Now, currently, I admit I still dunno if it is just a crush or even maybe slightly more that that. With a guy nick by my close friends and also his seniors(no, he is not younger than me, in fact older but came in poly late)lollipop, and recently I dunno why, not exactly guy or girl.
Lollipop, I think I prefer this slightly more, is somewhat a cross between admiration for his talents, as well, for his looks(I know he is kns by my close friends standard but eh, whatever:P)
I love to talk to him when we meet and I like the way he talks as well as his rather odd characters and manners. In a way, I find him cuteXP
So well, the reasons I start to write all this down because I really need a closure to this sillyness of mine.
And H, if you happen to read this, and do not pretend you dunno who you are because it is so bloody obvious, please tell me how you feel all this time so at least I know what exactly happen. All I want is to start everything over again as friends back then and remains as just that.
I really miss the old days of old jokes and random lameness while online.
I pour all my heart out now and I finally start anew.
And maybe, new destiny awaits? lol
Now, I think my close friends is sort of puking now knowing I find her junior cute..lol. Sorry, you know my standard la:P
All the best to all of us who will be leaving TP soon(hopefully, for me)!
Bye!
